TOKYO- The Prime Minister of Japan, Yoshihiko Noda, announced that
his country will be discontinuing the use of nuclear energy and will
also be shopping for giant monster insurance policies.
The decision was widely expected after the disastrous earthquake that
left the Fukushima power plant a veritable spawning pool for giant
radioactive monsters.
Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.
Yoshihiko Noda explained to reporters “We can no longer live in fear
for these disasters. Japan’s terrain is not stable enough to safely
procure nuclear energy. With giant fissures left after the earthquake
and the nuclear waste that was trapped in them, there is no telling what
possible giant creatures could be incubating underground. That is why I
am moving to protect Japan now, and in the future by purchasing a
suitable policy.”
Leading economic experts agree that this is the suitable choice for Japan.
“There is no doubt that the Japanese people have endured an
unprecedented level of tragedy,” explains president of Global Insurance
Specialists, Damon L. Nasman.
“But they certainly don’t deserve any more trials and tribulations.
Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in. Uncertainty is still a
continuing problem, especially in regards to the question of weather or
not giant mosters will be produced from the amount of radiation the
island has been exposed to. This is the best course of action for the
country, although their premiums will be considerably high.”
Japan’s Defense Minister, Satoshi Morimoto praised the move by the
parliament. He stated, “I am not sure if the Japanese military would be
capable of defending the country agains such a monstrous attack. Also,
there is no way to depend on one of the monsters feeling empathetic
towards humanity enough to defend us from the others.”
There is speculation on the actual applications of the policy.
The Minister of Economy, Yukio Edano, warned his fellow country men
of the dangers associated with such an abstract insurance policy. He
advised that caution should be shown to assess the individual policy
plans to make sure they cover “all damage,” not just damage cause by
offending monsters, but damage caused by monsters alligned with the
Japanese people as well.
“Insurance companies are in the business of making money. It’s not
that I think this idea is absurd, it’s that I want the Japanese people
to realize the rates we will be paying for a disaster that may never
come to be. I just want the parliament to adequately pay for a program
that we need, and not pay for any extra features like roadside
assistance or settle for a company who offers them an appliance for
signing up. This is serious business.”
There have not been any reports or sightings of giant radioactive
monsters in Japan as of yet, but that hasn’t stopped citizens expressing
their fears of a possible giant monster battle tearing apart the
streets of Tokyo.
Yoshihiko Noda issued reassurance to the population of Japan by
stating, “Your government has your interests at heart. We know that the
threat of giant monsters is a fear consuming every one, but do not
worry. Your government is protecting you.”
